Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

Introduction

Habit five of Stephen R Covey’s seven habits of highly effective people is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. This is our first step to achieve the result of the fourth habit “Think Win-Win”. Most often people used to think about their own benefit but there are very few people who think about other’s benefit. Even if the other person does not think about a Win-Win, we must seek to understand what the other person wants from the given situation. This attitude will help us to cooperatively deal with any situation or conflict. Covey stress upon understanding the root cause of any conflict and then taking action accordingly rather than looking for quick fixes. Let us delve deeper into the basics of this Habit.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

There are four types of basic communication that humans use and these are: a) Reading, b) Speaking, c) Writing, and d) Listening. People spend multiple years building their reading, speaking, and writing skills but they do not focus on listening skills. Covey says that “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” starts with understanding others but most often people focus on explaining their own needs first. People generally listen with the intent of replying immediately rather than understanding another person. Listening generally happen at four levels:
1. Ignoring: Not listening to another person
2. Pretending: Just pretending that you are listening by saying “yes”, “Hmmm” etc.
3. Selective listening: Just focussing on selective parts of the conversation
4. Attentive Listening: Focussing on others’ words by paying focused attention.
Very few people reach the fifth level of listening which is “Empathic listening”. Empathic listening involves looking at things with others’ frames of reference. We can easily understand what the other person feels during a conversation when we apply this highest form of listening. Don't forget to watch the Biography of Charlie Chaplin:

There are three ways to develop this success habit:

1. We must develop a keen interest in listening to others’ points of view. When we show our aspiration in others’ interests then they open up with us and even reveal their secrets. They will observe and appreciate that you are giving them complete attention and time.
2. Reinforce your own character by understanding your own desires and wishes. By having complete awareness of our own wishes and desires, we can avoid them and stay away from shameful situations.
3. Develop a soft corner by opening Emotional Bank accounts in others’ hearts. This can be done by showing a keen interest in others’ concerns. We can eliminate the barrier of misunderstanding with this approach which can help us to gain more trust among our colleagues and friends.

Skills of Empathic Listening

Developing Empathic listening skills is not a one-day job but it takes a substantial amount of time to develop this success habit. There are four skills that can enhance your empathic listening habit by multiple times:
1. Mimic Content: This is the very first step of building empathic listening. This is also called the Parroting technique where we create engagement with another person by repeating her words. This skill is not so difficult to develop as we have to repeat the words of another person while listening with full interest.

2. Rephrase the Content: This skill is of another level as we need to rephrase the words of the other person. Here we put our understanding in the other person’s point of view. This shows that we are giving our much-required attention to her words while listening.
3. Reflect Feeling: Here we express feelings in response to the other’s argument. Here we involve our thoughts and feelings during the conversation.
4. Rephrase the Content and Reflect the Feeling: This is a perfect blend of second and third skills i.e., rephrasing the content and reflecting the feelings. This will help us to understand the feelings of other people and appropriately respond to their feelings.
Summary
It is always best to put the effort into understanding others rather than trying to force our arguments. This habit can help us to run a successful business where we listen to customers’ feedback with rapt attention. This will help us to design the best solutions and build good quality relationships with our customers. Empathic listening not only helps us in understanding the situation from others’ points of view but also helps us to build a bridge of trust with the speaker.